Black love can be a wonderful thing, except for when it goes wrong. I am sure some of you have seen the typical “unhappy couple”. You know who they are: they may pretend that their marriage is wonderful on the outside, but there are a pile of scandalous secrets behind closed doors. The secrets may involve hidden bank accounts, secret gay lovers, or perhaps even some nasty abuse. Some even think they represent the best that black love has to offer, but every now and then, you get to witness tiny hints of an unfulfilled existence. You then realize that if there ever was a couple that needed to be divorced, it’s this one. So, you continue to witness their agony, wondering deep down why they don’t just call Dr. Kervorkian and have him put their marriage out of its misery. Actually, ending their marriage might end your own misery as well.
When you finally muster up the courage to ask your buddy why he doesn’t go ahead and pull out the marital machete, he gives you the words you’ve heard in so many bar room jokes, “it’s cheaper to keep her”. While these statements are stereotypically from men, you hear more and more women saying the same thing these days. You may also hear your friend tell you that he/she can’t afford to lose the financial support provided by their spouse. Either way, you feel sorry for the couple, because they’ve made one clear admission: “Whatever I have in my bank account is worth far more than my personal happiness.” That is what I would call bad Financial Lovemaking.
If our emotional fulfillment was suddenly converted into money, many of us would be bankrupt. However, there are many people in third world countries who are filthy rich with life satisfaction. This doesn’t understate the significance of their financial hurdles, but it does remind us that money, if not used as a tool to pursue happiness, can ultimately become a barrier to personal joy.
One of the trappings of a capitalist society is that we are taught that money is the ends, rather than the means. Money is a tool to enhance your life and your relationships, it should not be the reason you are in the relationship in the first place. That’s like buying a new car just so you can get the radio.
If I were given a choice between being dirt poor and happy vs. filthy rich and miserable, I would surely choose the dirt. You see, a person who endures unhappiness in order to protect his wealth is missing the point. The goal of money is to make you happy. So, using money as an excuse to not pursue happiness in your life is like saying “I am going to starve to death because I really want to stay in this restaurant.” If the restaurant isn’t feeding you, you might want to consider eating someplace else. That might be an example of good Financial Lovemaking, since part of the Financial Lovemaking process is getting comfortable with your own relationship with money.
I am not an advocate of divorce in black marriage, nor do I judge those who’ve made the decision to split. But I can say that if you have no ideological problems with divorce, and money is your only reason for not going through with it, it might make sense to reconsider your priorities. If happiness and money were put on a scale next to one another, love would be the 3,000 pound elephant and money would be the 2 ounce cricket. All choices in the black love and money balance should lead to short or long-term satisfaction, there really is no other way to say it.
Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and author of “Financial Lovemaking 101: Merging assets with Your Partner in Ways that Feel Good.” For more information, please visit www.financiallovemaking.net.
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